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Turn the F*cking Music Off Before You Have Sex

Escort Porto Portugal Mafalda Borges.High class Portuguese call girl.
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Your bone sesh doesn't need a film score.



One afternoon in college, while fooling around with a guy in my apartment between classes, something horrible happened. It was when I was dating one of those guys who's "like, really into indie rock," and "philosophical questions." The only thing he loved more than blasting songs where sad men sing about the strong women who left them was putting a record on before we hooked up.

I should have known this habit and his penchant for whiney man rock would bite me in the ass eventually. But I was young and in love! And blinded by own romanticized idea of fucking perfectly to the rhythm of some acoustic guitar sounds streaming out of my Urban Outfitters record player. On this particular afternoon, he put on a record and during a very specific sex act (he was going down on me), a song called "As We Go Up, We Go Down" started playing. I heard giggling down near my vagina. No matter how ~into it~ we were, there was no ignoring the squeaky voice of a dude scream-singing, "AS WE GO UP, WE GO DO-O-OWN," while someone was literally going down on me. We laughed it off and switched off the record, and because we were horny 20-year-olds, dove back in. But that incredibly awkward moment was forever burned in my memory, and led me to one extremely rational and correct rule: Do not ever fuck with the music on.

THE ONLY GOOD SEX PLAYLIST IS ONE WHERE EVERY TRACK IS FOUR MINUTES OF UTTER SILENCE.

Putting on music to set the mood before sex is something you do when you're young, because it's what you imagine Sophisticated Adults Who Make Love do. As a Sophisticated Adult, I now know this isn't true. Sophisticated Adults do not (and should not) crank up the Ricky Martin before jumping into bed together. I'm convinced all the public playlists on Spotify that are obviously for sex were created by people who have not yet actually had sex. The only good sex playlist is one where every track is four minutes of utter silence, or maybe some soft white noise or something.

I can see why someone might think sex with a soundtrack is good. There's always music playing in porn. Movie sex scenes are usually accompanied by a score — though the characters doing the sex can't necessarily hear the soundtrack, but whatever. There are so many songs about sex! But none of these facts are enough to convince me that sex is any better with music playing — nay, the music makes it worse.

I can also see how someone might think music would make sex *less* awkward. A reality of sex — something that involves bodies and holes and liquids — is that it creates noises, not all of which are necessarily sexy. Like clapping sounds that come from a place where you don't have hands for clapping, and slurping sounds, and the suction-y sound of two wet surfaces separating with force. If I play Ginuwine loud enough, I won't hear any of that nonsense, you may think. But you are wrong. If anything, the Ginuwine is only going to slightly muffle all your body's very natural, very normal sex sounds. Also! Why do the noises our bodies make during sex get such a bad rap? If you think about the fact that they're a result of sex, aren't they, by definition, sexy? I think yes!

BE AN ADULT AND RELISH IN THE SOUNDS OF YOUR BUTT RHYTHMICALLY SLAPPING A DUDE'S SWEATY ABDOMEN.

Go ahead and throw the music on before you start having sex if you want, but know you are taking some incredibly real risks in your hands. There's the possibility of finding, midway through "Body Party," that you've been thrusting to the beat for three minutes and aren't actually paying attention to your partner. There could be a particularly sick key change that's better than the sex you're having and distracts you both from what you're doing. There's the keen awareness that you only sexed for 1.5 songs, and that's way less than the hour you used to spend really getting into it. And then the biggest risk of all is that something will play that absolutely will — and this is a guaranteed inevitability — obliterate the mood. It could be a Spotify commercial, it could be a stray Evanescence song you forgot to remove from your playlist, or it could be some song called "As We Go Up, We Go Down" playing while a guy's got his mouth on your vagina. No matter what it is, it'll be unsexy and ruin what probably would've been a perfectly nice experience.

Let's make something clear: Putting on some tunes while you eat a romantic dinner? That's lovely! Playing some jams while you do some kissing? Pretty ok! But when things start to escalate (you choose where to draw the line, my line is "nudity"), turn that shit off. Be an adult and relish in the sounds of your butt rhythmically slapping a dude's sweaty abdomen. Unless you want your next orgasm to be soundtracked by Father John Misty crooning about fucking Taylor Swift in a VR headset (thereby ruining orgasms for you forever, probably?) turn the music off before the sex starts happening.




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