How to give and get perfectly polite head.
Emily Post and Dear Abby may have rules for texting and throwing the perfect dinner party, but when it comes to how a dude should conduct himself during oral? Zilch! Zip! Nada! To fill the gaping hole (😜) of oral sex manners, here are eight etiquette rules all men need to know for perfectly polite head.
1. Never, under any circumstance, ejaculate unannounced into somebody's mouth. Here's a fun little scenario for you: Imagine someone shooting a stream of hot, rotten milk directly into the back of your throat and then imagine that you had zero warning beforehand. Don't ejaculate into someone's mouth unless you've clearly established that has been agreed upon by both parties. If it's not, give enough notice for a partner to pull the hell away before getting hit with your man-stream. Nice guys don't finish last but they do finish only where they're told.
2. And never, under any circumstance, expect someone to swallow. If you're into swallowing that is great and fine, but also, swallowing can be so awful? Giving a blow job is generous enough without asking someone to swallow your jizz at the end of it. Unless your partner has absolutely expressed sincere enthusiasm for swallowing, do not press them on this. Blow job privileges can be revoked at any moment.
3. Don't just kick things suddenly into extreme overdrive. You're allowed to move your pelvis around and enjoy things. That is fine. But there is nothing pleasant about a dick moving high speed in and out of your mouth if you're not expecting it. Before you kick off into warp speed, maybe warn the person with the mouth on your penis and get their thoughts first.
4. Be extremely courteous with constructive criticism. Do you know a surefire way to guarantee you never get another blow job from your partner? Tell them they're bad at it. There are ways to help someone learn what you want without saying, "Hey, you suck at this." Try giving constructive feedback, like, "I love it when you do this," or, "It really turns me on when you do that." Basically, don't get all upset and nitpicky when it comes tailoring the perfect BJ experience; just be honest and nice.
5. Clean your house before you have guests over. Here's a rule you probably learned as a kid but definitely applies to adult life and penis upkeep. If you want someone to come over (i.e. "go down on you") and have a nice time, tidy things up ahead of time. Do what you will with your pubes, but maybe, like, I don't know, take a shower! A clean penis environment will make everyone happy.
6. And don't throw a fit if your guests want to leave early. In the immortal words of Samantha Jones: "They don't call it a job for nothin'." Blow jobs are hard (no pun intended, but also, pun intended). It's a lot of activity for one mouth to handle. If a partner gets tired and wants to call it a day before any climaxing happens, you are not allowed to get angry. Just like it would be incredibly rude to yell at a friend for leaving a party a bit early. Some of us have work in the morning, god, Cheryl.
7. Don't assume that things are all finished just because you finished. Blow jobs are pretty altruistic by design. But this does not mean the sex is over just because the person on the receiving end comes. Give a little, get a little, as they say.
8. Don't treat a partner like they're a puppet with a mouth hole. I don't know how else to say this, my dudes. But don't grab a woman by the head and start physically moving it around up and down your dick. A lady is not a puppet. If you want a puppet to give you a blow job, surely there is a community for that particular fetish. But a woman is not the same as a puppet or sex doll, so maybe let's not jerk her around like one.
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